@BillPelicanBros Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
@dubstep4dads Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
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@BillPelicanBros 
@GrantTanaka A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
@Lin_Baker I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
@boxergraphix #Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
@sarousti Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
@Anniewritess The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
@notalogin How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
@ShutUpThatsWho [God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
@jonnysun date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
@TrueTorontoGirl My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.