Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
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When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*