Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
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I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I’m ready for Halloween this year
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
How did we not see this back then?
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.