*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
You Might Also Like
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank