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‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

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*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
*punches hole in wall*


i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before


Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“


Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.


I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.


I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.


Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy


First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?


Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?