@rachiecandice
@SirEviscerate *sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
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@SirEviscerate 
@ch000ch i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
@WheelTod Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
@DanielRCarrillo Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
@BDGarp I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
@JessiPols I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
@ACartoonCat Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
@SavageDabs69 I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
@envydatropic First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
@clichedout Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?