*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
*punches hole in wall*
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
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i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”
Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?