[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
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what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
What even happened today?
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman