logging onto twitter…
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[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”