LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
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If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Just this preview of the story is enough