@mxmclain

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

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@kimtopher22

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

@_NTFG_

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

@obviousplant_

Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:

@JB4Realz

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

@zachreinert0

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

@Rrrocambolesco

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

@CopBroughtPizza

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

@Jake_Vig

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

@Reverend_Scott

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”