Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
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If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does