@mxmclain
@kimtopher22 My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
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@kimtopher22 
@_NTFG_ In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
@obviousplant_ Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
@JB4Realz HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
@blade_funner Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
@zachreinert0 My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
@Rrrocambolesco There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
@CopBroughtPizza gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
@Jake_Vig INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
@Reverend_Scott I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”