*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
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I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
step 6: release the wall snake
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.