*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
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Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.