LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
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I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
At Walmart during the holidays like..
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭