LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
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*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
If you love someone, let them tweet.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
When your man makes a valid point
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
No way!
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent