Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
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People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”