Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
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[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!