Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
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The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
(Electricians.)
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”