[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
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KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.