LOL!
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This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.