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If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I falcon love using swear birds
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?