lol
You Might Also Like
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.