@1KelliBelle

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

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@CarpentersCrack

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

@neiltyson

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

@TitaniumToplass

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

@TheAlexNevil

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

@StruggleDisplay

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

@broken_rhi

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

@bossybutfair

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

@Reverend_Scott

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)