A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
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Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Me: I’m heading off now.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.