LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

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Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.


Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.


*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*


Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long


Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize


Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

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If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.


Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)