LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
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Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Love this guy
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour