Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher ππ π
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I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Me: Youβre SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
Youβre gonna want to be sitting down for what Iβm about to tell youβ¦
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequilaβ¦.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
When someone asks me why Iβm leaving the party early, I say βIβm late for an appointment with my pajamas.β
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesnβt know they have one.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once theyβre all floating Iβll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me heβd be in jail.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.