LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
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In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
OMG 🤣🤣
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.