“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
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i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!