@WheelTod I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
@Area51eh LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
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@WheelTod 
@sunexplode Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
@causticbob What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
@Elizasoul80 I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
@justabloodygame [commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
@Elizasoul80 When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
@tylerschmall Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
@Reverend_Scott VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
@DartsBofficial Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
@Quartzjixler “Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon