LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
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Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Look at this
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*