LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

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I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.


Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.


I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.


[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”


When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”


Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.


VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.


Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there


“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon