Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.

PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels

HER: Shouldn’t it be –

HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

Don’t we all.

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…