@Area51eh

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

You Might Also Like

@WheelTod

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

@sunexplode

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

@Elizasoul80

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

@justabloodygame

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

@Elizasoul80

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

@tylerschmall

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

@Reverend_Scott

VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.

@DartsBofficial

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

@Quartzjixler

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon