lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
handsome & gretel
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong