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I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Lmao the reply
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Storm Tropical Storm
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*