“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
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wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Covid like
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.