Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
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Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.