LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
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Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
LMAO.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.