[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
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Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing