Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
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How and why my FUR ROOM exists
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I am also baked goods
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.