“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
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Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
this is what they would have looked like, though
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin