Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
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Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
translated into Canadian
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.