Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
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It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
My sex drive has a dui
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!