Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

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just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair


I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.


Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!


I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”


I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals


If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions


My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.