just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
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Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong