@felixoshea

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

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@JasonLastname

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

@TheCiscoKidder

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

@CatsForDinnerz

Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!

@JermHimselfish

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

@meganamram

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

@AustinSommer

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

@YesitsAl

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.