Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
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With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit