@3sunzzz [lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
@Brampersandon_ Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
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@3sunzzz 
@primawesome All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
@sixfootcandy You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
@stephenjmolloy Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
@thats_a_morey What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
@itsBABYSMITH i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
@seandunn76 Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
@ArfMeasures ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
@primawesome My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
@DairylandDon Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.