Longest English word:


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[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.


All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.


You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.


Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”


What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret


Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.


ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone


My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.


Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.