Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
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me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?