LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
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When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.