Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
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I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.
Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom
Why do they even asks such dumb questions?
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.