Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
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Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?