Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

Okay

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

Brb my Sims are getting married

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE