Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
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Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.