look at me when i’m typing to you
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If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
🤭😂
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.