“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
This could be us… but you playing
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.