“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
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the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!
Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.