Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
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I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Customer is always right
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.