Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
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You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.