Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
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“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke