Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
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We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
No chill.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour