Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
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You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I’m giving up ice.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Squirrels before girls.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.