Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
You Might Also Like
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.