“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
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[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.